Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.

Indeed, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're conversing Damascus, the city Traditionally noted for historical culture, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It'll be incredible. Great!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed in the Placing eco-friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've experienced wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the best. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."

Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-confused, majestic, and solely from spot. Made by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:

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  A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate

  
  


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  The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

  
  


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  A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour right up until the drone flies")

  
  


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  As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."

  
  

Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable h2o. But Sure, confident, let us have Yet another position the place American Gentlemen can don robes and connect with it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, naturally."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. international policy analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace endeavor considering that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though former negotiations unsuccessful below the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: supply Anyone a suite to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.

Based on files printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":

Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each individual device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire pointed out, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower in the war zone. It really is that he need to stop using it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when asked about the task, replied, "You are aware of, guy, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent persons. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of the Levant."

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping sorts a large Trump head seen from Room, a characteristic being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents and also the chin is… well, labeled.

Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after acquiring the developing's gold plating reflected a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established hearth to an area melon cart.

"It is not merely hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty Global's regional director.

The Melania Wing as well as other Confusing Capabilities

Probably the strangest ingredient with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:

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  A silent atrium where by company might contemplate obscure disappointment

  
  


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  A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with climate Management set to "distant"

  
  


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  A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.

  
  

Community Syrians are unsure what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Promoting System: "Should you Bomb It, They'll Arrive"

The advertisement campaign, just lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:

"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Forever."

One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:

"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."

General public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll executed inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:

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  34% say "it would stabilize the realm"

  
  


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  29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"

  
  


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  eighteen% claimed "in which's the nearest elevator for the West Bank?"

  
  

Trader Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"

The venture is now attracting attention from Global investors, such as:

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  A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a international minister

  
  


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  The Trump Tower Damascus Russian Guild of Oligarchs

  
  


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  And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll invest in three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."

  
  

Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Can not wait around to find out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."

Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Ultimately, a resort where by my PTSD might have switch-down provider."

One more publish from @KuwaitiKardashian basically questioned:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Outcome

U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Experiences suggest:

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  China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

  
  


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  Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

  
  


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  And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to develop a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.